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As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date: As our employees ceaselessly analyze a vast trove of classified White House documents on ocean barges floating outside the jurisdiction of the Fair Labor Standards Act, we are finding ample evidence that the path being pursued by this president and his cabinet is, as anticipated, startlingly unlike any other in history.

BRUSSELS—Sad and lonely from the diplomatic trip that has kept him thousands of miles away from his private estate for almost a week, a homesick Donald Trump stayed up all night on the phone with the automated Mar-a-Lago reservations line, sources said Wednesday. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Last month, one of those people, Edgar Maddison Welch, pleaded guilty to local and federal charges stemming from the day last year when he showed up at my pizza shop wielding an assault rifle and a .38-caliber handgun.

On the same block as my restaurant, you’ll find a market, a beloved bookstore, a paint store, a firehouse, a gas station. Sadly, many people who don’t know me or my neighborhood cling to an absurd lie: that I and political figures including Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton and her campaign chairman, John Podesta, run a child-slavery ring out of Comet’s basement.

While my brave staff swiftly evacuated customers, Welch walked through the building undeterred, shot a computer closet, then laid down his weapons and surrendered to the police in the middle of Connecticut Avenue. Podesta and his brother, Tony, are Comet fans, and in these emails I was invited to cook for a Clinton fundraiser.

Anti-Clinton conspiracy theorists and online trolls congregating on Reddit and 4chan decided that the words “pizza” and “cheese” in these emails were code for pedophilia.

I was inundated with death threats, sometimes many a day.

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They ultimately pushed the lie that my pizza restaurant was being used to abduct children and commit heinous crimes.

These lies ricocheted from shadowy chat rooms to various social-media platforms, encouraged by fake news articles and deliberately amplified by provocateurs such as Alex Jones, who broadcast these smears to his audience of millions.

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