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“x Xx: Return of Xander Cage” begins in outer space, and the camera follows a rogue satellite as it leaves orbit and plummets toward the exact spot on Earth where Samuel L.Jackson and Brazilian soccer star Neymar are discussing Stacy Peralta skate films in a Chinese restaurant.A few minutes later, the camera follows Vin Diesel as he dirt-skis down a snowless hillside in order to connect Dominican fishermen with a pirated feed of the World Cup.Half an hour after that, it picks up with Diesel as he surfs 10-foot waves on a motorcycle off the shore of a Philippine rave-island.They often have Wi-Fi, IR filters for watching the baby even in the dark, the ability to pan and tilt, can stream to a regular browser or mobile IP cam app, record to your home NAS, and have the ability to alert you when they sense motion.But again, this tutorial will simply get you up and running.

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Xander Cage (Diesel) was pronounced dead in “x Xx: State of the Union,” but as this film begins, his condition has been upgraded to “alive.” He’s been living off the grid for years, yet his past remains close behind, as the pasts of extreme-sports-enthusiasts-turned-secret-agents tend to do.

Intelligence officer Jane Marke (Toni Collette, affecting the salty deadpan of a weary suburban mom on her third margarita of the afternoon) tracks him down with an urgent new assignment: A mysterious gang of daredevils lead by Serena (Deepika Padukone), Xiang (Yen), and Talon (a sadly under-utilized Tony Jaa) have absconded with a secret weapon dubbed “Pandora’s Box,” which allows malefactors to drop satellites from the sky, and she needs Xander to recover it.

None of this makes any more sense onscreen than it does on paper, and therein lies this film’s undeniable numbskull appeal.

It’s unlikely that anyone aside from prodigal star and producer Diesel was screaming for a return of the “x Xx” franchise, which already felt Clinton-era-dated when it launched in 2002, and seemed to have fizzled for good after 2005’s Diesel-free sequel.

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